| My name is Bond - Covalent Bond." |  |
Q: What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.
First law of Laboratorics: Hot glass and cold glass look alike!
Here is a funny chemistry story. Somebody wrote a paper about how this chemical, dihydrogenoxide, has killed over 100,000 people world wide, usually through inhalation. The story also went on that even if you wash your food you can never get this chemical off. No matter what you do you will be exposed to this very dangerous chemical every day of your life until you die. The story finished by claiming that there needs to be a government research group founded to find a solution. yada yada yada...anyhow, a local press guy got a hold of this joke, if you haven't figured it out di-hydrogen-oxide is the correct name for H2O or water. The deaths that he was quoting were from drownings. Anyhow, this local guy ran the article in a paper and started a big outcry for a government study before they realized what the story was about.....kinda funny chemistry humor.
Q: What is a cation afraid of?
A: A dogion. |  |
| What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties? Methylated Spirits. |  |
| How do you make a 24-molar solution? Put your artificial teeth in water. |  |
| Why do white bears dissolve in water? Because they're polar. |  |
Rules of the Lab
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
First draw your curves, then plot your data.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
Let?s Speak Chemistry!
"I think your website is beryllium!" (read as brilliant)
"That's a pro-phosphorous idea!" (read as preposterous)
"I can't be arsenic-ed!" (read as arsed)
"This is so boron!" (read as boring)
"Pick it up off the fluor-ine!" (read as floor)
"Lith-ium alone!" (read as leave him)
"This is a-bismuth!" (read as abysmal)
"I've got a bad gold" (read as cold)
"Is she Indium?" (read as Indian)
"Did he have a car-bon?" (read as car bomb)
"Pass the lattice" (read as lettuce)
"Would you like a polo-nium t?" (read as polo mint)
"Can you iron my shirt please?" (read as iron)
"I can't bar-ium" (read as bare him)
"Can they cur-ium?" (read as cure him)
"Caes-ium!" (read as caese him)
"That was so-dium good" (read as so damn)
?How many have we done sul-phur?? (read as so far)
"Keep your i-on the ball" (read as eye on)
"A friend of mine pierced his tung-sten" (read as tongue)
"A-cid that one" (read as I said)
"A-mine the other one" (read as I mean)
"You're too easily lead" (read as lead)
Julian: "My trousers keep falling down!"
Nick: "This man-ga-nese a belt!" (read as man needs)
Nick: "We need to get so many things for our cat"
Julian: "I don't think we'll be able to remember them all"
Nick: "Well then we will have to make the cat-a-lyst!"
?I zinc we are done because all the other jokes ar-gon
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