I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor." I said,
"Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love
and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
 
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wishyou had ordered that

Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.
 
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
    

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
 
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"
asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire.

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and
said, "I've found a
woman just like mother!" His father replied,
"So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is
that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to, around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention

A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by:
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute