Colonel Sanders



There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.







Roseanne Barr



Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?







W.C. Fields



I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.







Milton Berle



They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.







George Gobal



If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.







Groucho Marx



I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.







Voltaire



It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.







Oscar Wilde



By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.







Ellen DeGeneres



My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Tommy Cooper



You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.