? Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.
? Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.
? People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
? A teenage boy to his father: Here's my report card and a list I've compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished their High School.
? The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Pappu! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "Cartoon Network, Ten Sports, Discovery Channel and Pogo!"
? A cute Nurse came 4 the interview.
Dr: What salary U Xpect?
Nurse: Rs.10,000.
Dr was overjoyed & said: My Pleasure.
Nurse: With pleasure it?s 25,000
? Easiest way to die:
1. Have a cigar daily - you will die10 years early.
2. Have drinks daily - you will die 30 years early.
3. But love someone truly - you will die daily!
? What would confuse a mentally challenged person?
Answer: A pineapple.
Confused...? I knew you would be!
? How to catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and just be yourself. Squirrels will come to you on their own. Because they just love NUTS !
? If you never want to see a man again, say: I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children - they leave skid marks.
? Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an
a@@hole.
? Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home& devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home& economist in Bed.
? Santa declares: I'll never marry in my life and I'll give same advice to my children also.
? Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
? I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.
? The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
? Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.
? Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
? What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
? My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.
? When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.
? A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession...even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"
? A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married.
Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?
? "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
? Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.
? Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
? Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal
? At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
? A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever!
Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?
? A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!
? A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.
? A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."
? We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations--we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together
? Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter
? Two women were talking about their new milkman.
First: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said the other.
? Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly Santa fell down in a deep hole.
Banta: Are you ok?
Santa: Fine thanks!
Banta: Did you break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here!
? An old: Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.
Doc: That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.
? Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
? It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat.
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